5 Ways to Approach Conflict (without ending up with a Kryptonite spear in your chest)

The big movie at the moment is Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Huge opening. Lousy reviews. Great movie - but I'm biased. I've been waiting for this film for years, and I'm a huge comic book fan - specifically DC Comics, and there stable of heroes that include Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and hundreds of others.

So I loved it, for the most part. Still, one aspect really bugged me, as a communications coach.

***SPOILERS BELOW***

When the big promised battle between Bats and Supes is about to begin, it's because Luthor has manipulated the two. He's convinced Batman that Superman is a menace, and kidnapped Superman's mom, telling our hero that unless he kills 'The Bat' she will die. Darn those super-villains!

The face-off starts promising enough. Superman tells Batman he needs his help. As he steps forward, he triggers a booby trap of hail and ice bullets. Pushing through that, instead of asking again, or, heaven forbid, telling him WHY he needs his help (Bruce, we need to save my MOM!), he pushes him across the roof, and a 10 minute battle ensues before Lois walks in and cooler heads prevail.

I understand they had to fight - it's the selling point of the movie. But c'mon. Two top-notch heroes fighting because they can't even communicate? Terrible.

While most of us will never be in the middle of a literally earth-shattering conflict, most any conflict can feel that way to us when we're in the middle of it. Our egos, our relationships, our livelihoods are often at stake - or at least FEEL as if they are at stake.

5 Ways to Approach Conflict

1. Set boundaries, expectations, and outcomes for the conversation.
2. Be willing to try more than ONCE to get your point across, before resorting to anger.
3. Disarm your 'opponent' emotionally by letting them know you understand their side of the conflict.
4. Avoid becoming overly defensive OR offensive, which takes you both off point, and into an emotional state that is harder to control than an objective state that focuses on the actual issues.
5. Bring in a third party to arbitrate/defuse the tension.

If you're headed into a potentially contentious discussion with peers, clients, competitors, or even your boss, you'll want to avoid having it end with a Kryptonite spear plunging into your chest.

In the meantime - go take a kid to BvS - cause I really want more movies. After that, go Speak...& Deliver!

10 Ways a Contestant Can Add Value to their District

Recently in the Toastmasters Official Facebook group, the topic of a International contestant's value to Toastmasters, or rather 'lack thereof' came up. It was suggested that winners of speech contests are often in it just for themselves, as they chase the trophy, and do little else for Toastmasters.

That was a grand sweeping statement, and I know many, many contestants who do a great deal within Toastmasters, both outside of their competing, as well as as a byproduct of their victories.

But the comment wouldn't have come up if it weren't true in some cases. Maybe it's a new contestant that is getting overwhelmed and is overly focused on themselves. Maybe it's a truly selfish contestant - people are people, after all. At the same time, maybe it's the District - not reaching out to the contestant, not taking advantage of the opportunity to support and promote their winners.

For now, I'm going to focus on you (or your friends) as a contestant - we can only control our own actions, and we can contribute. This goes for ALL contestants - winners and losers at ANY level - but especially for those of you that are fortunate enough to go to the International Semi Finals, Finals, or even win it ALL.

Ten Ways to Add Value Beyond the Trophy on your Desk...

1. Visit other clubs - you've got to practice anyway, right? Schedule yourself at clubs - summer is often a tough time for them to have full speaker slates. I've found most clubs more than happy to bring contestants in, and they'll often promote that they have a 'World Championship Contestant' in order to fill their room. Don't want to practice your speech that much? Offer to come and give a different speech that interests you and them. Afraid they'll say no? Some will - but at least they know you tried.

2. Volunteer at your TLI - the next big project for your district after the Conferences is the Toastmaster Leadership Institute. Volunteer to train officers, give an educational session, or to keynote the event. No speaking slots available? Work the registration table, bring food, be a Sgt. at Arms, or a room host!

3. Write for the Newsletter - your article could be contest related, speech-writing related, or anything else you know that might be of value to the District readership. Newsletter editors are often desperate for content - become their ally, and fill some of that space for them.

4. Use Social Media - promote Toastmasters on your Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, whatever. Your club, your district, the organization itself. Write a blogpost, or twenty, about your journey to the championships. Post pictures. Tell the world about all your great experiences both as a competitor and as a 'plain old Toastmaster', and share the stories of others as well.

5. Contact Your Local Media - don't just rely on your District to contact the local paper - you can write a press release easily - go here for a template. I've been featured in my local paper in all three Districts I've competed out of, and I've seen other contestants score radio and TV spots as well. Don't just talk about the contest - get the Toastmaster message out there!

6. Speak Outside TM - schedule yourself at local service clubs - Rotary, Kiwanis, Lions, Optimists and the like. Practice your contest speech in combination with a speech promoting the TM program. You'll get good practice in a non-TM environment, and meet a lot of amazing people.

7. Take a Club Officer Role - just a month after your victory, all the officers are shifting. Why not be the next President, VPEd, or Secretary. Show your club you're in it for more than the shiny trophies. It won't effect your eligibility a bit.

8. Support Demo Meetings - your District is always trying to grow, and spread the goodness of Toastmasters to the world. Volunteer for a role - ANY ROLE - at a demo meeting. Your leaders will love you for it.

9. Coach, Sponsor or Mentor a Club - After that demo meeting, those newly chartering clubs will need a sponsor or a mentor. Why not you? Their are other clubs that may be flagging that could use your experience and enthusiasm as a coach, as well.

10. Don't Compete Every Year - Yes, I've competed 11 out of 14 years, so I know this can be a tough suggestion. But I've also served as an Area and Division Governor (now Director, for you newbies), and even taken a year off to just...take a year off. I'm even a DTM, finally. There's no rule that says you can't compete every year, but some districts are less likely to suffer serial contestants (like me) than others. Consider that their tolerance of you might be proportionate to how much value you provide along the way - just sayin'.

Do you HAVE to do any of these things? No. But not adding value is likely at the heart of the comments I've heard. Don't become so focused on your own goals that you forget the people that helped put you in position to reach them.

I would suggest that as contestants we have a responsibility to serve our Districts, to serve Toastmasters in general. They have provided us the stage. Use it to Speak & Deliver the right messages - messages of communication, service and leadership that define our organization.

Don't chase the wrong trophy.

Nobody Cares About You!

Believe it or not, it's true - not single person in your audience gives a whit about you. You and your story. You and your success. You and your obstacles. You and your genius.

Even if your mom, spouse, or children are in the audience - they don't care about you either.

Humans are a egotistical lot. There's an old saying - 'your favorite word is your own name' - even if you don't like your name, when you hear it, you immediately come to attention. Heck, with six kids, if I just hear the word 'Dad' in any space I'm in, I start looking around!

We may like you. We may even want to hear you tell us about your eight years in the oval office, your climb to the top of Mt. Everest, your triumphant rescue of a Fortune 500 Company.

But only if it affects...US. 

It's the first thing I have to work with my clients on when they tell me how passionate they are about their messages, how amazing their experiences are, and how mind-blowing their approach to life is. To THEM.

My response? "So. What? Why do I care?"

Because in the end, your audience needs a reason to care that is in their self-interest - because they only want to hear what you have to say if it benefits THEM.

Those benefits don't have to be major. They may simply come in the entertainment value of your talk. More likely, for the average Non-Celebrity Keynote Speaker, the benefits will come in the form of your process - your solution to their problem, their pain.

Their problem. Their pain. Those are the money words.

Where can they find their pain in what you're sharing? You have to ask yourself that because it's your job to show them their pain in the beginning of your presentation. To give them a reason to care, to listen to you as opposed to playing Candy Crush on their smart phone for the next 45 minutes.

If you ARE a celebrity speaker, their pain may simply be that they don't understand how you got to be you. Envy. So you let them know right away you're going to give them behind-the-scenes access to being you, so THEY can find hope that THEY can be more like you.

For the non-celebrity speaker (that is, most likely, you and me)...
Here are a few popular topics, and some ways to Poke Their Pain:

Marketing - without it, you have no business. Doing it wrong can bankrupt you. Your competition is probably doing it better than you.

Leadership - the hardest thing you'll ever do. Fail in this, and you can't reach your goals. Fail as a leader, and you feel horrible about yourself. Fail in this, and your company will fail with you.

Communication - poor communication destroys companies, slows productivity, and sours relationships of every kind.

Speaking - what if you had an amazing message, and spent your own life sharing it with an audience of one - the one in the mirror?

Quilting - how many hours do you spend hand-stitching? How long can you work until your arthritis acts up, forcing you to stop, and putting you behind on your Christmas gifts to your 26 grandchildren?

It's not that hard to find the pain - most any topic pertains to our financial, physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being to some degree. But if we simply assume they'll know the pain we're talking about, we'll lose most of the audience pretty quick, and miss our opportunity to bring them immediately into our presentation. Point out their pain, and then....

...swoop in with empathy.  You've been there. You understand their predicament. You share a short promise to them that by the end of your presentation, they'll know how THEY can get through it, and by the end of the speech, they be begging to know exactly how YOU got through it. Promise them they'll have solutions for their marketing, their leadership, their communication, their speaking, and even a better idea of how to climb Mt. Everest. Though probably not all in the same speech...

Promise them, and then deliver, PAIN RELIEF. That's right. As a speaker you're basically Aspirin.

Most of us get into speaking because, well, we like to hear ourselves talk. We love our message, and our stories. We often enjoy the attention. Those that successfully STAY in speaking learn to love their audience first, and use the result the audience will get as a filter for everything they say.

Whether you're building a speech or you have a message you've been giving for awhile now, take some time to ask yourself (or find someone who WILL ask you) "So What? Why Do I Care?"

Because until they have a reason to care...a pain that crystallizes their attention...they sure as heck don't want to hear how awesome your life is. As for your mom, spouse, and kids? They're just hoping you give them some credit for how awesome you are.

Because it's all about THEM!

Book 2 of 52 in 52: The Attitude Check by Heath Suddleson

On my list of 52 Books in 52 Weeks, I half-jokingly suggested to the author of 'The Attitude Check', Heath Suddleson, that I'd review his book faster if he signed a copy and sent me one for free. Seemed only fair since he covertly recommended his own book for the list in the first place. So he contacted me again, got my address, and presto, over the last week I read his Lessons on Leadership - which I'd wanted to do for awhile now.

First Impressions...

The book was so much smaller than I expected. All the pictures I've seen of it make it look like a Chicken Soup for the Soul-sized tome, and I figured it would take me a few weeks to digest. But at 5 x 7, as it is accurately advertised on Amazon, if I'd just looked closer, and only 120 or so pages, it is less a biblical text on leadership than a satisfying, anecdote-filled, read-on-the-airplane and walk off with some good ideas type of publication.

The Premise

Heath gives us a good look at the need for leadership, and chunks it into two overall styles: Command & Control vs. Responsibility & Reward. His 'Attitude Check' works for either, asking us to decide what kind of leader we are, to identify our customers, and to realize the importance of our team to our value as a leader.

The Process
The book covers everything from building your team to motivating them to dealing with conflict, nonperformers, and dealing with lost production. He examines decision-making, owning mistakes, and even looks at the end game as the book closes, discussing how to groom your successor.

Some nuggets of wisdom I enjoyed included his explanation of 'organ rejection' within an organization, avoiding getting his toes stepped on by not putting them in the way of his team in the first place, and his use of visual reminders (in his case, a piece of clothing with USMC on it) to give him a 'subliminal Attitude Check' (my words, not his). Sometimes, it is important to remind ourselves who we are and what we expect from ourselves - to lead ourselves before we lead others.

The Heart
Heath shows three primary sides of his life to us, using them all as examples of his leadership prowess and the stumbles he had along the way to developing those skills. A Marine, a construction manager, and a Toastmaster who led the organization from the club level up to the International Board of Directors level. He notes the differences of those groups, from expectations to relationships to methods of results achievement. Suffice to say you can't expect a volunteer hoping to overcome their fear of public speaking to respond in the same manner as a disciplined fighting machine.

Most interesting to ME were his Toastmaster examples, of course, as I just kept trying to envision what he went through against my own experiences at much lower levels of the organization. I'm not sure if it encouraged me to actually move up into District Leadership or solidified my decision to wait another 20 years or so...

The Result

A concise and entertaining glimpse into Heath's life as a leader - essentially a weekend-long leadership seminar in a book. As a speaker, this book is perfect for him to sell in the back of the room, or sell ahead of time to organizations hiring him - as resources for their attendees. It isn't overwhelming to read, but it IS authentic, fairly comprehensive despite being brief, and almost always original enough to stand out amongst the thousands of other leadership books sitting on the shelves and the Amazon Wish Lists of the world.

I give The Attitude Check four stars out of five - I wish it had been longer - and that's more a compliment than anything else, I suppose. If you're looking for another perspective on leadership, or know some folks around you that could use one, or just want to send a copy to your local member of Congress, I fully endorse it.

Next weeks book: Drive, by Daniel Pink

(Speak & Deliver disclaimer: I am friends with Heath, though we've never met, and only talked on the phone once, about 3 1/2 years ago, while I ate a really big steak in downtown Omaha all by my sad self. We were talking Toastmasters, of course, and he was offering me his own well reasoned point of view on an issue being hotly debated at the time. As is the nature of such things, I have almost no idea what it was at this point. Suffice to say that he impressed me then, and impresses me now. My book review, however, is in no way influenced by this prior relationship. Probably.)

Toastmasters Friday: Whattya Mean You're Going Into Leadership?

Yes, hell has frozen over and I'm in line to be the next Area Governor here in my local geographic cluster of clubs known as D26/F/2.

Some of you may be thinking it wasn't long ago I was stepping down as President of a club, and moving behind the scenes at another, all in protest of Toastmaster's rebranding themselves as a place "Where Leaders Are Made". Well you're right. So what business do I have going into the leadership track now?

So why try become an Area Governor? Have I drunk the Kool-Aid? Am I now a card-carrying proponent of the new branding? No - not at all. I still have yet to run into any new members who joined to be leaders, or because TM is now saying it's a great place to train leaders. Doesn't mean they don't exist, but none of 'em had stopped by to MY club.

So how can I take a leadership position? Won't I have to tow the line? I don't think so. For one, the program has yet to really change. Nothing I'll be encouraging my clubs to do will be any different than a few years ago. I don't have to convince them to buy new banners or lecterns. Primarily, I'll be checking in to make sure the clubs are meeting their goals, TM's goals, and the goals of their members, regardless of their use of a tagline.

Additionally, I'll be a resource for any issues that may come up with the clubs, and be responsible for setting up two Area Contests throughout the year. There's more, of course, but it's all doable.

Area Governor will NOT equal Drill Sergeant...

What I won't have to do is push the tagline down anyone's throats. In fact, I haven't experienced anybody beyond a Brand Manager, training at TLI, or the Board say much at all about the branding. Our trio supports it, but outside of color and logo changes, I haven't seen much dogma coming forth.

Also, let me be clear, I don't disagree that Toastmasters teaches leadership. I simply disagree with it being the lead dog. I believe leadership springs from our longtime strength - communication. It was this reasoning I used to talk to our club members about pursuing their CL manuals last night. I don't think it steers away from the new brand at all, other than putting speaking in the driver's seat, where it's always been.

I'll certainly mute my dissatisfaction with the branding, that ship has long sailed, for one, and it wouldn't be 'becoming of an officer' for another. It sounds like TM is working on creating more leadership-driven projects, so perhaps "Where Leaders Are Made", if not wholly accurate today, will be within the next few years.

In the meantime, I support our program as it stands today, and I find no issue with serving as a District Officer, and TM should have no issue, either.

On my side, I'm not competing this year - I'll be speaking at another District Conference the weekend of my own anyway. I've been wanting to step away from competing, so what better excuse for the next two years than this? I can finally get my DTM award, which I've been on the cusp of for years. Wait til my blog posts on my High Performance Leadership project!

Who knows, I might just run for a higher office next year. I could be ineligible for the next six years if I go up the chairs. But first, lets tackle AG, and see if I can Govern....& Deliver.